A Blurb from January 2009 and a Favorite book on Depression

This first part is from a note I wrote on facebook in January of 2009:

I have wanted for some time to journal through some of my depressive episodes, but usually I don't have enough energy to do it. And to be honest, I feel so bad, it's never something I want to remember.
Well, I think today is worth remembering.

Yesterday was a very busy, fun-filled day. Kristin and her 3 kids came to visit and my day was filled.
I had an appt. to work out that morning.  I dragged/drug myself out of bed to make it there just a few minutes late, squeezed in a quick trip to the tanning bed (that seems to help with the depression), and got back home with barely enough time to get ready for company.

So back to today. . . it was supposed to snow, but as it so often does here, no snow, and very sad children had to be sent off to school. I caved in to depression and fell back into bed once they were on their way and snuggled into my bed for a while.

I have been reading a book on "how to get things done when you are depressed" so I have all those things on my mind, but it's hard to try new things in the middle of January when it's cold outside, so I got dressed (little Victory) took vitamins and meds (little Victory) then gave in to the pull of the computer. (better than falling back into bed). After checking email, pulled up solitaire - which I told myself last night while reading that little book, that I wasn't going to let myself do anymore. . . oh, well, it could be worse.

And Praise God, He "plays" solitaire too. Or at least He does when I play it - or at least He did today. Dale has a busy, crazy day today and God nudged me to pray. So, I prayed while playing solitaire on my computer today. Better than last year when I prayed curled up on my bed and could only think, "Jesus help me." over and over - but that was a blessing at that time too. God knows I struggle. He knows I am but dust, and He is teaching me that over and over. I prayed and prayed today for other people not just me. And now, with a little smile on my face and peace in my heart, I am writing my first blog/note. So far I'm not going to let anyone read it, but I might after a while. It is a start. I am far from well, but God is teaching me things - really so very much through this illness of depression.

Yeah!!  This winter wasn't that hard - not as hard as the winter of 2009.  I had my days.  On some days I was really tired, and so I took a nap.  I have 2 walking buddies that I meet on 3 to four days a week and walk fast and talk.  Not being a morning person, this has helped me get going and being a girl, I love to talk (if you hadn't noticed, I live with 4 boys - that don't like to chat like their mamma does.)  I also work at my husband's office one day a week now.  I dress nice on that day, and I do something other than taxi kids back and forth.  Lately I have been working on photography before and after shots of his patients - something creative and that I love doing.

Those are some of the things I have worked into my life that help on both good days and bad days.  I want to really put in a plug for the book I mentioned in my above blurb.  Get It Done When You're Depressed  It is one of the best books I have read about depression.  It gave many many practical suggestions from an author that knows and has fought against depression.  But the biggest thing I got from the book was something I am not sure the author did intentionally.  She referred to depression as something separate than the person.  She put the blame on the illness rather than the person.  She talked about depression as if it were an illness and NOT WHO I REALLY AM.  She said things like: 
"Depression doesn't want to do anything and never will. 
Depression judges you harshly. (but in your own voice) 
Depression takes away your ability to make decisions. 
Depression makes you feel like you're carrying a heavy weight.
Depression follows you around and talks to you.
Depression takes away your pleasure and makes you cry.
Depression makes you feel hopeless gloomy, and sad.
Depression makes you doubt everything you do."

Before reading this book I would have said these "same" things but this way:
I don't want to do anything.
I can't . . . I am . . . I feel . . .
I can't make decisions.
I feel like I am carrying a heavy weight.
I feel hopeless, gloomy and sad
I doubt everything I do.

Depression is a very deceitful illness - makes you forget who you are and makes you think you are the problem when Depression is the problem.


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