Today's Thoughts - on what's trying to happen at BJ

I originally posted this on October 6, 2010.  What I have posted today is only a portion of that original post.  Here is the link to the entire post.  ttp://annettehardysblog.blogspot.com/2010_10_01_archive.html

But today is about something else.  I can't blog about all of it for it would be too lengthy, but here's a link to what got me thinking about this  http://www.facebook.com/#!/DoRightBJU  .  To be honest, I don't think BJ is salvageable - I may be typing this in red in honor of their attempt, but  as I have grown in my walk with Christ, I see more and more how extremely off base they really are.  It would take a true reformation - of Martin Luther caliber to change what all is wrong.  But, you know, that's exactly what Jesus did when He took on the Pharisees.  One of the best things that has helped me in my understanding of what Jesus thinks about all this - I went through the gospels and even Acts, Romans and a few other NT books and with a colored pencil marked all the verses that either addressed Pharisees directly or taught about them.  Do you know that I could hardly turn a page without there being a mark on one of the two open pages?  It was eye-opening. 

My story is not shocking like the Tina Anderson story is, but it would probably be offensive to many who still hold BJ in high regards.  I don't put much on the line because I have been away so long, but I debated blogging because I have just reconnected with a slew of old friends from high school - sadly over the death of a high school buddy.  We were shocked into remembrance.  All of us suddenly take back 25 years or so to relive old days in the Academy.  For me, I haven't been around since graduation.  I didn't know it at the time (May 1987), but God had other plans for me.  Most of them stayed on and went to college together . . . but for me,  a LOT changed. 

First God saved me. 

(I remember wandering around my new California campus and contemplating the conviction that God was putting on my heart and wondering if I could really start all over like Nicodemus described to Jesus.  I remember thinking about the people I had met vs. the people from the school I had left:  "What they have is something worth dying for vs. what I had witnessed at BJ - was something that wasn't even worth living for." )

So I did it.  I gave my life to Christ. 

Then I began to think. 

No longer was a school telling me what I was aloud to say, think, believe or do. 

I (don't give me too much credit - or actually any credit at all - to God be the glory) began to think about what I believed.  What the Bible really said.  I asked God to show me the truth - His truth.  And He did.  And I began the most wonderful journey of trust and faith in God - something I had never seen or experienced at BJ.  

In the last 25 years, God has taught me so much.  Walked me through so much - good and sad.  And a few weeks ago, I wondered why was I again rubbing shoulders with these friends from a different life?  Maybe it was for a little bit of this - the real sharing of my life or rather, what God has done in me.  You would think that going to a "Christian" high school I would be more sure of the salvation of those friends, but I'm not.  You see, we were brainwashed into thinking that if we kept the rules, we could be better Christians.  Ironically, none of us thought we really believed that, but real life told me something different.  I have to preach to myself all the time that my goodness is in Christ Alone.

To this day I am amazed how much just 5 years of their brainwashing can do to one's thinking. When I got to school in LA (my first year of college), my first question  to my roommates was: can I read the handbook? Even then I didn't think I was as brainwashed as that evidenced that I was.   I am so thankful for Him freeing me from the life of a Pharisee - I was more prone to it than I'd like to admit. Rules are much easier than a relationship and searching scripture to find out what God really means about stuff.



Enough ramblings - here is a portion of the Blog from 10/6/ 10:



A little more than twenty years ago, I got on a plane to cross the country on my way to college. I vividly remember at some point in the trip realizing that I had left all I knew and loved behind and that I was on that plane with only God. I am ashamed to say, I was uncomfortable with even that idea. Within the next month, that God, who was on that plane with me, revealed Himself to me through sermons from I John, and Matthew 7:21-23, "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven. . . Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evil-doers!'"

Up until that time, I had been a "Doer" - Jesus called it what it really was/is an "Evil - Doer." It was sobering at the time and still sobers me today that but for the grace of God, I would have continued in my Doing. Instead I had to humble myself, admit my sin and ask for His righteousness. I then had to tell those around me, but even harder, I had to tell those at home that I had just been saved. That all that they had seen and watched had not been because of my love for Christ, but rather my own working my way to heaven. So, I ask you, I ask myself, "Could you walk away from it all, could you let it burn, could you never Do another thing to please God and be okay with it?"

(As an aside, an argument with myself, if you will. I am not talking about the "easy-believism" version of salvation at all. That once you say the words and walk the aisle, you are a "Christian." This would be the opposite type of "believer" to which I am referring. I think I am starting to understand why James is sometimes so confusing. "Show me your faith without your works and I will show you my faith by my works. . . . " James 2:14-26 speaks to this opposite type of "believer." So, there are both extremes - those that lean on their works and have no faith and those that lean on their supposed faith, but their lack of works prove them false.)

So, with that being said, I give you one last Biblical illustration. Solomon wisely determined the mother of the baby by offering to cut the baby in half and give part to each woman who claimed the baby. The true mother could not bear the idea and gave up her claim to save the baby's life.


So too, my question is a twist of reality.

When I thought of it today - "Could I give up my works?" My immediate thought was not of the loss of the works, but of the loss of the things that build my relationship with God. Could I not go to church for the rest of my life? That would be painful to not fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ. It would be painful to not hear the Word preached or to sing and worship Him. It would be painful to not have a Bible to read. It would be painful to not speak of Him to others. Indeed it would become a fire in my bones. I could not hold it in. (Jeremiah 20:9 But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in His name," His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.)

Wow, it would be as if we were locked in a cell to live out our life holding onto only the Righteousness of Jesus - without the evidence of it - here comes the wow part. That is what happened to John the Baptist.

John himself said, "He must increase; I must decrease." But not long after "2When John heard in prison what Christ was doing, he sent his disciples 3to ask him, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" Matthew 11.

John, in prison, sends a message to Jesus, "Are you really the Christ?"

Can you fathom?

The one who was sent to "prepare the way,"

the one who so boldly proclaimed "I have seen and I testify that this is the Son of God."

The one who was linked with God the Father and God the Holy Spirit as testifiers that Jesus, the Man, was also Jesus, the Son of God, the Lamb of God.

4Jesus replied, "Go back and report to John what you hear and see: 5The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor." Matthew 11

Oh, my, I have just gone back to the cross reference of where those words were in the Old Testament, and I am almost crushed with the beautiful words that surround the message that Jesus sent to John. Isaiah 35:5 Jesus was telling John with words from Isaiah that He was fulfilling those words while John was locked in a dark dungeon. Want to guess that maybe John also knew the words surrounding that verse? Listen to the comfort of the words around Isaiah 35:5


1 The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.

Like the crocus, 2 it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.

The glory of Lebanon will be given to it, the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;

they will see the glory of the LORD, the splendor of our God.

3 Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way;

4 say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear;

your God will come, he will come with vengeance;

with divine retribution he will come to save you."

5 Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

6 Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy.

Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert.

7 The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs.

In the haunts where jackals once lay, grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

8 And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness.

The unclean will not journey on it; it will be for those who walk in that Way;

wicked fools will not go about on it.

9 No lion will be there, nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;

they will not be found there. But only the redeemed will walk there,

10 and the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing;

everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them,

and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Would those words not comfort you - especially if you were John the Baptist!  John knew about the desert about the wilderness, He knew all about what these verses were predicting. It makes me wonder if this were a passage that the young Jewish children learned. Or if just John and his second cousin Jesus learned it together as teen boys, and if John was at the temple when the boy Jesus was teaching the Teachers. Somehow John knew that Jesus was greater than he before it was revealed to him that Jesus was the Son of God, for he argued with Jesus that he shouldn't be baptizing Jesus but rather the other way around.  Jesus was telling John that it was all coming to pass, that John had been right - that He, Jesus, really was the Christ!  It was all the comfort John needed.  He could put his head back down in his dank and dark prison and let his heart rejoice that Jesus really was the Christ!  And not long after, his suffering was ended - not the way any of us would have expected, but mercifully God took him home for his work on this earth was done and it ended not with a last sermon or 100 more baptisms, no more works for John, but the reassurance that Jesus was the Christ!

Pain in the neck

Literally.  Pain in my neck.  I yawned, and it happened.  My muscles in great fear rebelled and turned into a hard painful cramp.  That's all well and good for the moment, but when they seem to not realize that there is no longer anything to fear?  It's time to relax and let go. 

Now it is day two and those muscles have been working all night telling all the other muscles in the region to be afraid. . . be very afraid.  They are listening to falsehoods and putting me in misery.  Freaking out over nothing.  And in the process making the body miserable.  Hmmmm.  Makes you think.  But don't think too hard - you might strain something.  And since this is at least my fourth bout of this this spring?  I know what I'm talking about.  Where's my icebag - - ah, dang it, it's got a hole it in - - - again???? 

Deep breath.  Now on to thanksgiving for a while.  I have ALOT for which to be thankful!

Indian Summer Black-Eyed Susans

Eight years ago this coming summer we moved into our current home on Dandelion Trail.  It was just being finished and so had not a plant in the yard.  Yard?  How about Carolina (or rather Clemson) orange clay mud.  We did have sod put down - having three little boys and white carpets in several rooms, there didn't seem to be any other options.  We had left behind a yard that we had also started from scratch but was then filled with flowers and bushes and trees.  It was hard to have a vision for what our new yard would become. 

It was the beginning of July when we moved in, and it was blazing hot.  I went up to Lowes to see what I could add to our yard in blazing July and found one of my favorite purchases. 

Black-eyed Susans.  Indian Summer variety.  They were gorgeous.  Huge.  And bright Yellow. 

I splurged and bought 15.  It was one of the best splurges I have ever made.  Every year they have returned.  They are not guaranteed to come back, but with a little bit of attention I have made my 15 plant purchase multiply almost unbelievably.  I think I re-planted at least 50 plants last spring.

The purple coneflower has paid back well too and returns every year without any extra attention.

So too with my several varieties of daisies,

but the daisies don't live all summer like the black-eyed susans do.

But these are my babies.  I had a scare about 4 summers ago.  They all got mildew on them and then died out early.  It was awful.  I didn't know if they would return the next spring.  When they did I was so relieved and started experimenting with ways to keep them coming back. 

Last year I decided to try dividing them and learned the hard way that Indian Summer Black-Eyed Susans don't like to be split.  I think all the ones I split died, but the babies that I repotted and moved to better spots - thrived! 

This time of year can worry me.  The weeds are in heaven and taking over.  My hubby as well as our occasional landscaper friend wants to rid the yard of all weeds.  But right now, all my perennials are growing right next to the weeds.  Yes, the first year, I lost several plants to weed killer.  So I get a little nervous waiting for them to start showing their pretty flowers so it is obvious that they are flowers.

This is one plant in front.  It produces a plethora of beauty from May through October.  In the background is a different type of purple coneflower - I think it is called Texas coneflower.  It has spread all across my front garden.

In about 4 to 6 weeks I should have a bunch ready to transplant.  I'd be glad to share.  Come by and I'll give you one for your yard. 

Some Pelican Pics and and few more from a wonderful Florida Vacation

Well, I was trying to upload some pictures to blog about. Then I changed my mind and hit cancel. Now the bloomin' site won't go to my computer so I can pick the pictures I wanted to upload. So, instead of pictures of my favorite flowers that I was going to blog about, you get a picture of a funny pelican that I took in Florida a few weeks ago. He was balancing on the front of the boat and those webbed feet were working overtime to keep him on this thin edge of the boat.

 

I got the picture thing fixed and decided to stick with the Pelican theme.  I Really like this guy napping!  I have always seen pelicans at the beach, but this was the first time I found out where pelicans hang out during the day - or in between their beautiful flights over the ocean.  They go to the marinas.  The find a post or a boat to hang out on, and if they are lucky, someone will come in from fishing and clean the fish near them. . . that's what they are really hanging out waiting for - free lunch.  This guy was dreaming about his lunch.

He was watching me waiting for me to fall in the water while taking his picture.  I know he would have laughed.

This was Grayson's birthday - and his birthday present from Grandma and Grandpa.  They came by our trailer at 8:30 in the morning while we were all still schnozzing and took him off for a special breakfast - he had pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream.  Then they took him to Cowabunga Surf Shop for a boogie board - - - well, this long board caught his eye instead (most likely because it had yellow wheels - he is a sucker for anything yellow)  When he came in from his special date with Grandma and Grandpa - his eyes were twinkling and he was smiling from ear to ear! 

That night we celebrated his birthday on the beach with friends watching the full moon rise.  Jim Moir suggested I try some silhouette shots and this is what I came up with for Grayson's birthday picture.  He decided this night that this is where he wants to celebrate his birthday from now on - - at the Beach. 

After a few experiments with me laying on my belly in the sand and playing with my settings, Jim shot this one for me.  That is the moon, not the sun.  Thanks, Jim.

And one last one of the funny pelicans waiting for their free lunch.  The guy was actually cleaning fish right next to where I was sitting to get this shot and there were about 15 pelicans all swimming right in front of him.

Well, I was trying to upload some pictures to blog about.  Then I changed my mind and hit cancel.  Now the bloomin' site won't go to my computer so I can pick the pictures I wanted to upload.  So, instead of pictures of my favorite flowers that I was going to blog about, you get a picture of a funny pelican that I took in Florida a few weeks ago.  He was balancing on the front of the boat and those webbed feet were working overtime to keep him on this thin edge of the boat. 

March 11, 2011

March 11, 2011.  I ran today.  I clocked out a 2 mile route around my neighborhood, and then I ran/walked it twice.  I even took my dog, Rex with me for a mile.  I probably ran 2 miles total.

Yep.  I'm gonna give it another try.  And I'm gonna blog about it.  So, you get to be my witnesses.  I think I'm ready to bump it up a notch.  I am afraid to actually put this in print contemplating signing up for a little triathlon or a half marathon.  In my mind, though, I don't want to just sign up for one.  I want that to become who I am.  I have run a half marathon before believe it or not!  But afterwards I quit running.  I want my exercise to be not just about one event.  I want it to be part of my life.

PART of my life.  I think that is important too.  I heard a quote a week ago from a pastor on the radio (ugh! can't remember which one).  He said, "I am not a BODY with a soul; I am a SOUL with a body."  I don't want my focus to be all about my body.  I don't want my body or even my health to become an idol.  And in our society it is that!!!!!!!  So, this is my BALANCE paragraph.  I want my exercising to fit into my life.  I want it to work with my mothering my family - my husband and boys.  I even want it to work into my friends. 

When it comes to that, I may have to come back and tweak my goals.  I currently have two very good friends that are my WALKING buddies.  We are serious WALKERS.  We walk 6 miles at a time several times a week.  I don't want to lose those commitments - those relationships that have developed through exercise. 

For me, exercise is very relational now that I think about it . . . hmmmm, Dale and I jogged ALOT while dating - around downtown Charleston, over the James Island Bridge, on Folly Beach (where he eventually proposed to me).  I jogged with baby Ben in his little umbrella stroller all around our first neighborhood and even our second neighborhood after we moved to Anderson (will have to blog about one particular jogging trip where his arm cast fell off and I didn't even know it until an hour later and had to go back and pick it up off the sidewalk). 

Our third neighborhood added a second child, a double jogging stroller and a dear friend and her little boy, Carl.  Kristen and Carl would meet us on most mornings for a quick stroll around the neighborhood that went longer and longer until we realized we were walking and pushing heavy strollers for 5 - 6 miles!  That led to a few jogs and then one jog with just one baby in the stroller that equalled 9 miles.  THAT is what led to the half marathon. 

Around this time, Dale and I started working out at a small friendly gym with a guy, Tony, that was one of Dale's patients and had been trying to get him to come "train" for some time.  I trained with his wife, Shelia.  About the same time, I started walking with a neighbor from our current neighborhood, Karen.   We walked most mornings after dropping off our kids at school for an entire school year - two years ago.  And then their school situation changed.  Then Shelia's situation changed and I swapped and started training with Tony too.  Last year was a year of walking with a friend from church, Sarah, as well as working out with Tony.  Somewhere in there I messed up my knew - tore or damaged my meniscus.  It was scary to think I might not be able to exercise - might not be able to run or walk. 

In between all this history, I have little jaunts of jogging 3 - 5 miles, but I haven't done that in a while.  This blog isn't about weight, but just one little input - with all the working out and walking, I haven't seen a change in the weight.  That is more than just a little discouraging.  It's frustrating.  It's maddening.  It doesn't add up.  The weight bothers me enough, though, to give it I can't say one last another attempt. 

Blogging is such a good thing.  I'm thinking this out on paper as well as "talking" it over with my friends and family.  I would really like your input and suggestions.  Dale has been in the same boat with me, but he has stuck with training with Tony two times a week.  I have just recently gone to just exercising with Sarah and Elizabeth and I have a few other options to tap into.  I think I am trying to find something I can do with Dale and in some ways, I don't want to pass him up.  But then again, I feel like he has done the same for me.  He has watched my struggle with weight and exercise and I wonder if he might not be holding back so he doesn't blow right past me.  Health wise we are both in dire straights and exercise doesn't seem to have made much of a difference.

My other options I have considered are racquetball.  I played casual racquetball in college and LOVED it!!  I would need to find someone to play with.  My other idea is tennis.  There is a tennis court next to Dale's office.  It seems to be a relational game and it is outdoors (in the sunshine).

Okay, so there it is.  March 11, 2011.  I started running again.  I'm thinking about trying a triathlon (love swimming, don't hate running, not crazy about road biking - might be riding a yellow beach bike for that part), or signing up for a half marathon.  But I don't want it to become a one time thing.  I want to take it up a notch in a way that fits into my life, into my family, into my ministry.

PS.  I love spellcheck!!

A Blurb from January 2009 and a Favorite book on Depression

This first part is from a note I wrote on facebook in January of 2009:

I have wanted for some time to journal through some of my depressive episodes, but usually I don't have enough energy to do it. And to be honest, I feel so bad, it's never something I want to remember.
Well, I think today is worth remembering.

Yesterday was a very busy, fun-filled day. Kristin and her 3 kids came to visit and my day was filled.
I had an appt. to work out that morning.  I dragged/drug myself out of bed to make it there just a few minutes late, squeezed in a quick trip to the tanning bed (that seems to help with the depression), and got back home with barely enough time to get ready for company.

So back to today. . . it was supposed to snow, but as it so often does here, no snow, and very sad children had to be sent off to school. I caved in to depression and fell back into bed once they were on their way and snuggled into my bed for a while.

I have been reading a book on "how to get things done when you are depressed" so I have all those things on my mind, but it's hard to try new things in the middle of January when it's cold outside, so I got dressed (little Victory) took vitamins and meds (little Victory) then gave in to the pull of the computer. (better than falling back into bed). After checking email, pulled up solitaire - which I told myself last night while reading that little book, that I wasn't going to let myself do anymore. . . oh, well, it could be worse.

And Praise God, He "plays" solitaire too. Or at least He does when I play it - or at least He did today. Dale has a busy, crazy day today and God nudged me to pray. So, I prayed while playing solitaire on my computer today. Better than last year when I prayed curled up on my bed and could only think, "Jesus help me." over and over - but that was a blessing at that time too. God knows I struggle. He knows I am but dust, and He is teaching me that over and over. I prayed and prayed today for other people not just me. And now, with a little smile on my face and peace in my heart, I am writing my first blog/note. So far I'm not going to let anyone read it, but I might after a while. It is a start. I am far from well, but God is teaching me things - really so very much through this illness of depression.

Yeah!!  This winter wasn't that hard - not as hard as the winter of 2009.  I had my days.  On some days I was really tired, and so I took a nap.  I have 2 walking buddies that I meet on 3 to four days a week and walk fast and talk.  Not being a morning person, this has helped me get going and being a girl, I love to talk (if you hadn't noticed, I live with 4 boys - that don't like to chat like their mamma does.)  I also work at my husband's office one day a week now.  I dress nice on that day, and I do something other than taxi kids back and forth.  Lately I have been working on photography before and after shots of his patients - something creative and that I love doing.

Those are some of the things I have worked into my life that help on both good days and bad days.  I want to really put in a plug for the book I mentioned in my above blurb.  Get It Done When You're Depressed  It is one of the best books I have read about depression.  It gave many many practical suggestions from an author that knows and has fought against depression.  But the biggest thing I got from the book was something I am not sure the author did intentionally.  She referred to depression as something separate than the person.  She put the blame on the illness rather than the person.  She talked about depression as if it were an illness and NOT WHO I REALLY AM.  She said things like: 
"Depression doesn't want to do anything and never will. 
Depression judges you harshly. (but in your own voice) 
Depression takes away your ability to make decisions. 
Depression makes you feel like you're carrying a heavy weight.
Depression follows you around and talks to you.
Depression takes away your pleasure and makes you cry.
Depression makes you feel hopeless gloomy, and sad.
Depression makes you doubt everything you do."

Before reading this book I would have said these "same" things but this way:
I don't want to do anything.
I can't . . . I am . . . I feel . . .
I can't make decisions.
I feel like I am carrying a heavy weight.
I feel hopeless, gloomy and sad
I doubt everything I do.

Depression is a very deceitful illness - makes you forget who you are and makes you think you are the problem when Depression is the problem.


.

I made it!!

It's March 7.  I made it.  I made it through February.  I made it through November, December, January and February.  I made it to spring.  The forsythia and daffodils are blooming - - blooming yellow.  I made it.  Thanks to all my friends and family that have walked with me through another winter.  You have prayed for me; you have hugged me; you have asked me how I am - knowing that I might not be doing okay.  You have loved me - like Jesus loves me.  He loves me on the good days and the bad days. 

February - I need to blog a little more about February, but for now, I just want to post a blog.

Some of my thoughts on "Fat Acceptance"

A dear friend of mine gave a link to this blog on her facebook status.  I read the blog she linked to and then glanced around on her blog a little bit to get a feel for who she was.  Then I read her thoughts on "fat acceptance," and was amazed at how many things she touched on that I have experienced over the last few years.    Here is the link to that blog.  I highly recommend it.  It will make you think or hopefully it will.
http://www.definatalie.com/2010/06/21/about-fat-acceptance/

Before we get any further, let me just say, I don't consider myself  "fat."  I do weigh more than I'd like to weigh.  I'd love to weigh 30 - even 40 pounds less than I do.  I am tall and had been "tall and skinny" until children came along and I had half of my thyroid removed, blah, blah, blah.  Exercise and health has always been very important to me.  I am a nurse.  I have run a half-marathon.  Most recently for the last two years I have been working out with a trainer 1 - 2 days a week for an hour and walking with a friend 2 - 3 other days 5 - 6 miles. 

But then again, I don't like to be in pictures - especially with my sisters and brother who are all at least 40 pounds and then some less than me.  Currently my picture on my blog is from about 5 years ago.  I don't like that I don't look good in dresses of any style (but especially not empire waists - see below).  I really don't like the looks from the "beautiful ones" that are my age, that have had their children and have succeeded in getting "back into their jeans."  I really don't like that discussions about weight, dieting and exercise are as common and acceptable as discussing the weather.  I don't like to have to be on the defense with every Tom, Dick and Harry - or rather, every Sue, Nicki and Mary.  I don't like that in everyday conversation we can hurt each other by making references to others that have been working out (just as much as you are) and they "look so good."  I don't like that my decisions about healthy eating are open for discussion because it doesn't appear to be working for me.

So, I want to throw in a few quotes from Natalie and then make some comments on them: 

Natalie:  As a fat acceptance advocate, my position is that fat people should not be discriminated against or demonised. One of the main tenets within the movement is that dieting and the culture of encouraging disordered eating is harmful.

Me:  I have been very disheartened by the dieting trends that I have encountered during my struggle to recover my previous skinny-minny self.  As a teen it seemed the dieting trend was baked potatoes and salads.  Then salad dressings were demonized and eventually baked potatoes as well.  In my late teens I went to California for college where I was introduced to guacamole - YUM, which was soon banished to the evil foods along with nuts, peanut butter, and eggs, milk, all milk products . . .  huh?  Now it along with real milk and eggs and all is back on the REALLY Good for you list.

At 28 I had my first baby and as a result of the pregnancy had to have half of my thyroid removed.  And the Atkins diet trend came on the scene.  Yuck.  Yuck.  Yuck.  It didn't seem right at the time and still doesn't.  My husband was thrilled.  A friend of my husband's was all into it, and so my husband encouraged me to jump on the bandwagon as well.  I was not a fan.  I craved fruits and vegetable.  I dreamed about heating up an entire bag of mixed vegetables and scarfing down all of it.  hmmm, not a bad idea, you think, but at the time all those vegetables were vilified.  Corn was (and still is by some) no good.  Carrots - horrors.  Peas, why bother. . . Where was the PROTEIN.  Obviously, protein was the key word - the only key word.  After one week of bacon, eggs, meat, meat and more meat, I gave up.  Something was so wrong about that "diet." 

In summation of my brief thoughts on dieting - skinny people think they have the upper hand on what everyone should eat.  Just because you are skinny, doesn't mean you know what is the most healthy thing to eat or not to eat.  Skinny people don't know everything.  (Not meant to be a dis to my skinny friends that are very wise and smart - I do love you too!!)  Let me restate that - Being skinny doesn't make you smarter or more intelligent on health and dieting.

Natalie:  To begin with, one must understand that human beings have different body shapes, racial backgrounds, medical conditions, and socio-economic circumstances (amongst other things) and fat is not just a result of eating too much or exercising too little. I can’t stress that enough.

Me:  I could go in so many different directions with this little blurb.  Please take time to observe body shapes.  We are not all created equal.  0 is not the perfect size for everyone.  Irony is really that we all buy our clothes at the same stores.  I am 5 foot 8 inches tall.  I tower over most women.  I am five inches taller than my mother.  My height is in my body, not in my legs.  You know the empire waist style that has been "in" for the last several years?  Never works on me - that high waist cuts right across my boobs - lovely - Not where the empire waist is meant to be.  Why don't we celebrate our differences.  Why don't we have more catalogs for different body types instead of catalogs that have all the same skinny, tall, anorexic (with boob jobs) models?

Natalie:  The reason why I am so vocal about the issue of body acceptance is because too often fat bodies are pathologised, that is – they are viewed as abnormal and diseased, even when they are not. This is especially concerning when doctors, and indeed the wider health industry, do not treat fat patients’ symptoms seriously or even worse – dismiss the patient’s concerns and deny treatment until the patient loses weight. Even if the patient’s symptoms are not related to weight. This is wrong and unethical and does nothing to aid the patient’s health, in fact it works against good health! So many fat people refuse to seek medical treatment because they can not find a doctor who treats their complaints seriously.

Me:  This one I could go on about much longer than you'd like to listen.  Unfortunately, my weight has been a part of my illness.  However, I have learned that when I brought that up as my concern to my doctors, they wouldn't listen to me.  At first I just took it.  My health issues were depression, high blood pressure and high cholesterol (fyi, all symptoms of low thyroid . . . recall I had half of my thyroid removed at 28).  I was sent away by a short fat doctor who told me I needed to lose weight.  (At the time I was probably 20 pounds over what I wanted to be.)  I cried for the rest of the day over the humiliation.  Then I dried my eyes and started trying again. 

To shorten a very long story, I have not lost weight though I exercise more and more.  I have a friend that when she decides she wants to lose weight, she cuts out sugar drinks and drops 15 pounds.  A year ago, I had a blood sugar scare and as a result eliminated all sugar drinks.  The scale still sings the same old song:  No change - if anything a few pounds more.  I poured my frustrations out to my trainer one day telling him how since I had begun lifting weights and doing intervals with him 2 years before that I just wish I could see even a little difference.  His response (gotta love him - he didn't mean it the way it first sounded):  "I have another client that has been working out with me for 4 months. (I had been working with him for 2 years with no change)  She is about the same size as you and works out 2 days a week, just like you do, and she has lost 40 pounds."  He almost got punched, but then I realized . . . what he said was his way of agreeing with me.  What felt like another punch in the gut at first was actually his way of saying that something wasn't right about this picture because it so flew in the face of all he teaches and believes.  "That if you eat right and exercise, you will be healthy and you will lose weight."

Natalie:  Moreover I am very passionate about removing the stigma of fat. This stigma hurts fat people (I would say it hurts thin people too!) and poses a far greater health risk than body weight. It is assumed automatically that thin = healthy, and I bet when you actually think about that assumption… it starts to unravel. Do you know thin people who don’t exercise and eat poorly? I do. But those people are not told by their doctors that they need to lose weight, because they might not have any visible markers of fatness (read: poor health). And that’s how fat is pathologised and that’s why this kind of assumption works against everyone, because even thin people aren’t getting the health care they need when their health workers are relying on fat as a measure of health. The truth is, healthful and not-so-healthful behaviours are performed by EVERY sort of body. Our health care workers shouldn’t be so lazy as to assume the not-so-healthful behaviours are the domain of fatties only.

Oh, the stigma of "fat people."  Thank God (I do mean that literally - though in actuality, I wish neither of us did) my husband also struggles with weight.  (I have friends in very similar situations as myself - exercise, exercise to no avail - yet their husbands are the same size they were the day they were married.  Ugh!)  Because my husband is a man (obviously) people tend to be free-er with their words to him, and we are both shocked at what they say.  One man, a retired friend of my husband's father, greeted him on a vacation with something not so funny about when was the baby due!!!???  My husband, a dentist, wanted to counter with something about this man's horrible teeth!  Patients perpetually make comments about his weight and as a professional, he has to grin and act like it doesn't bother him.  Why is this okay?

My situation has been extremely disturbing to me because I feel like I have been discounted and ignored (by doctors especially) because I am overweight.  And yet, being overweight is my concern.  But because being overweight is my concern, I seem to be pushed aside (by doctors) even more as one who is there for a quick fix, though I tell them I am doing the work they want me to do.  Then it seems to me, they (doctors or anyone other health professional or especially "healthy" people for whom "it" has worked) assume I am lying and ignore me some more.  Unbelievable, but true. 

This year (or the end of last 2010) my Endocrinologist has finally agreed that my concerns are founded.  She is now convinced that I have been dealing with low thyroid issues for the last 13 years.  Thirteen years of high blood pressure.  Thirteen years of extremely high cholesterol.  Never mind the thirteen years of extreme struggle with depression!   I don't want to be skinny minny again.  I just want to be healthy. 

I will not leave this blog in panic mode, because even in this, I know that God is sovereign.  He made me.  This does not surprise Him.  He is All-knowing and All-powerful.  My days are in His hands.  He knows not only the number of hairs on my head but also the days that are ordained for me.  I cannot leave this earth before He is ready for me to leave it.  Isn't that comforting?  How wonderful that I can trust Him with my health.  Hmmm, here's a thought, what do you think the "perfect" size will be in heaven?  Do you think we will all be this "perfect" size or will there be different sizes of "perfect."




My reason for writing this blog is to help others.  When I was in college, I felt like God was calling me to the mission field.  My college degrees were chosen with that vision in mind.  I was first an English major and was headed to get a Master's in teaching English as a Second Language.  God stepped in and diverted me into Nursing.  I got my BSN in Nursing in 1994 and still thought I was headed to the mission field.  I married my best friend, a dental student, who felt he had more of a calling to short term missions. 

As life continued and God continued to lead, I found out that His plan for me was much more intricate than I had ever dreamed.  He walked me through depression (and still does), and I have found that my mission field is not to a people in a different country or with a different language, but with an illness.  My mission field is to those that struggle (as I do) with Depression.  It is with great delight that I share my life and struggles.  (I do think it is very important that you don't just hear about my struggles but also my joys, my living - there is much hope in that, so even my "ramblings" about my kids and life are with intention.)

If my words help you with your own struggle or help you understand a friend or relative with this struggle, it would do my heart good to get even a short comment from you on my blog or at my facebook link.

Sledding Dandelion Hill

Grayson going over the mogul.

The boys kind of had their own hill.

Grant trying some experimental snowboarding.

Grayson and Charlton with Drew pushing.

I must say, boys do it differently than girls do.

Glad he didn't bit his tongue off, oh dear, that is a bad thought.

Made it.

So funny, love this picture.

Throwing snowballs - at the girls maybe?

Cool dude.  Love it when my boys have good friends.

Our little neighborhood gang. 

Six boys. 

Six good boys that I will be excited to see

what God does with their lives.

My youngest, Will.

Hooded Grayson.

Drew bug - growing up fast.

Grant.

Charlton trying to be the tough guy. 

Not workin' on me. 

(I know he has a heart of gold.)

and my "little" Ben.

How'd you get so big?

Cool, I figured out how to add a border to my pictures.

Wooo Hooo Will!

Now it's the Momma's turn.

Yep, I'm in that group.

It's fun to be young again!

Three daring moms.

Ha, ha.

Whoa, horsey.

and when you get thirsty, just find some clean snow. . .

Snow Day # 2: My unplanned adventure

I wish you could see the intensity that was in this moment.  We have a bird feeder hanging above this window, and occasionally a bird rests on the windowsill here.  Rex, our beloved Boykin Spaniel, is supposed to be be bird hunting dog, but he's really more of a part of the family.  He had his nose pressed up to the window and was almost cross-eyed with concentration on the little birds outside.  You can see he has wiped his nose all over the window.  Nice. 

This awesome thermometer was one of my Christmas presents.  From me to me.  I hope this snow and ice won't ruin it.  It has a story.  I had one like it, but it was many years old, yellowed and cracked with age, so I tossed it.  (3 years ago)  Then started looking for another - just like it.  Didn't want one with pictures on it or the really fancy ones that cost a hundred bucks - just a plain one that was easy to read.  Been looking every spring and summer when the deck furniture comes out. . .  Three years later, Found it!!  Ten bucks.  Stored it with all the other Christmas presents in my closet.  Then dropped my boots on it and cracked the face.  (*rolling eyes many times*)  YES, it was the last one!!  The other ones were in rainbow shades and you couldn't have read the numbers!!!  So, I went across town and tried at the other ACE Hardware (love that store).  Ahh, they had another.  Another ten bucks, wrap it up and three years after I threw away my old one, I found what I was looking for.  And they think we don't know anything about hunting.  That's my type of hunting!

This is the beginning of my unplanned adventure.  I am going to find the boys.  They called about 20 minutes ago and told me they are just down the street sledding.  I am going to take pictures.  I have my fancy camera in hand - the one I would probably risk breaking an arm or a leg to keep it from falling and getting broken.  That is important for you to know as this adventure begins.  Notice the ice.  Now, don't get too excited, I'm gonna go ahead and tell you that I didn't fall - just so you aren't disappointed. 

Okay, out of the garage, now for the driveway.

This is the neighbors house across the street.  I trudged up to their front door and out of breath rang the doorbell to see if Kelly wanted to come out and play - or rather go with me to find our boys and watch them play.  She didn't answer.  I messed up their mostly unmarked front yard by marching through it.  The snow is very crunchy because of the thick layer of ice that is now on top of all that soft fluffy stuff from yesterday.

Okay,  I am one house away from mine.  See that hill up ahead?  That is where my boys said they were sledding.  It is very slippery out here. The road is almost impossible to walk on, the sidewalk is close to that and it is most safe, but difficult walking in the yards - a little more traction, but also a lot of work. 

That is a lot of ice.  Crossing Driveways is life-endangering.

Oh, and that hill I was headed to?  I made it.  They weren't there.  Nobody was there.  The whole neighborhood is strangely quiet.  Where are my kids?  WHERE ARE ANY ONE'S KIDS??

I have just stopped at a friend's house, whose boys are probably with my boys.  They directed me to the back of the neighborhood which is several blocks this way.  Normally not a big deal.  Today, THAT IS A VERY BIG DEAL!!  So, by now I have shed my cozy sweat shirt and left it at my friend's house because I am getting a work out and have started sweating in my ski pants, numerous socks, and down jacket.  And . . . I have called my dear husband and asked him where he is with "my" four-wheel truck and "my" four-wheeler that I have never really ever needed or used up until today.  Yes, I was having a little pity party that was rapidly gonna turn into a Hissy Fit if I didn't quick get control of myself. 

I am starting to see the possibility for a blog post by now, so I am snapping pictures with that in mind, and that is helping me see the little bit of humor in my excursion. 

Here is the house that was for sale at the same time as ours and was in the running for being "Our House." 

It didn't make the cut.  But it was/is a very pretty house.

Still no kids.  Just crossed paths with my friend Kelly and her daughter who said she slipped coming up this hill and had to crawl across some one's driveway.  They seem to be having about as much fun as I am having.  But they DO know that the boys (one of hers, three of mine and 2 of my other friend's that I left my jacket at their house 10 minutes ago.) are around the corner. 

Still Crunching.

No kids this way either.  This was almost creepy not finding the kids from our neighborhood anywhere.  But I couldn't have done a darn thing about it if someone had come and taken them! So much for taking care of my kids . . . I am busted.

I am starting to hear yells and there are a few specks in this picture that are kids sledding - still don't know if they are mine or not - I don't care whose kids they are.  I'm gonna take pictures of them and put them in my book.

Just a little further to go.

I was here for 5 minutes taking pictures before they even noticed me.  And then they said, "Oh, hi, Mommy, how long have you been here."  I just smiled and said, "Oh, a little while."  I didn't want to spoil the fun, so I swallowed the lecture about calling me to tell me that they had changed locations, and we just had fun.  And I took pictures.  The good ones are in the Next blog.