Indian Summer Black-Eyed Susans

Eight years ago this coming summer we moved into our current home on Dandelion Trail.  It was just being finished and so had not a plant in the yard.  Yard?  How about Carolina (or rather Clemson) orange clay mud.  We did have sod put down - having three little boys and white carpets in several rooms, there didn't seem to be any other options.  We had left behind a yard that we had also started from scratch but was then filled with flowers and bushes and trees.  It was hard to have a vision for what our new yard would become. 

It was the beginning of July when we moved in, and it was blazing hot.  I went up to Lowes to see what I could add to our yard in blazing July and found one of my favorite purchases. 

Black-eyed Susans.  Indian Summer variety.  They were gorgeous.  Huge.  And bright Yellow. 

I splurged and bought 15.  It was one of the best splurges I have ever made.  Every year they have returned.  They are not guaranteed to come back, but with a little bit of attention I have made my 15 plant purchase multiply almost unbelievably.  I think I re-planted at least 50 plants last spring.

The purple coneflower has paid back well too and returns every year without any extra attention.

So too with my several varieties of daisies,

but the daisies don't live all summer like the black-eyed susans do.

But these are my babies.  I had a scare about 4 summers ago.  They all got mildew on them and then died out early.  It was awful.  I didn't know if they would return the next spring.  When they did I was so relieved and started experimenting with ways to keep them coming back. 

Last year I decided to try dividing them and learned the hard way that Indian Summer Black-Eyed Susans don't like to be split.  I think all the ones I split died, but the babies that I repotted and moved to better spots - thrived! 

This time of year can worry me.  The weeds are in heaven and taking over.  My hubby as well as our occasional landscaper friend wants to rid the yard of all weeds.  But right now, all my perennials are growing right next to the weeds.  Yes, the first year, I lost several plants to weed killer.  So I get a little nervous waiting for them to start showing their pretty flowers so it is obvious that they are flowers.

This is one plant in front.  It produces a plethora of beauty from May through October.  In the background is a different type of purple coneflower - I think it is called Texas coneflower.  It has spread all across my front garden.

In about 4 to 6 weeks I should have a bunch ready to transplant.  I'd be glad to share.  Come by and I'll give you one for your yard. 

Some Pelican Pics and and few more from a wonderful Florida Vacation

Well, I was trying to upload some pictures to blog about. Then I changed my mind and hit cancel. Now the bloomin' site won't go to my computer so I can pick the pictures I wanted to upload. So, instead of pictures of my favorite flowers that I was going to blog about, you get a picture of a funny pelican that I took in Florida a few weeks ago. He was balancing on the front of the boat and those webbed feet were working overtime to keep him on this thin edge of the boat.

 

I got the picture thing fixed and decided to stick with the Pelican theme.  I Really like this guy napping!  I have always seen pelicans at the beach, but this was the first time I found out where pelicans hang out during the day - or in between their beautiful flights over the ocean.  They go to the marinas.  The find a post or a boat to hang out on, and if they are lucky, someone will come in from fishing and clean the fish near them. . . that's what they are really hanging out waiting for - free lunch.  This guy was dreaming about his lunch.

He was watching me waiting for me to fall in the water while taking his picture.  I know he would have laughed.

This was Grayson's birthday - and his birthday present from Grandma and Grandpa.  They came by our trailer at 8:30 in the morning while we were all still schnozzing and took him off for a special breakfast - he had pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream.  Then they took him to Cowabunga Surf Shop for a boogie board - - - well, this long board caught his eye instead (most likely because it had yellow wheels - he is a sucker for anything yellow)  When he came in from his special date with Grandma and Grandpa - his eyes were twinkling and he was smiling from ear to ear! 

That night we celebrated his birthday on the beach with friends watching the full moon rise.  Jim Moir suggested I try some silhouette shots and this is what I came up with for Grayson's birthday picture.  He decided this night that this is where he wants to celebrate his birthday from now on - - at the Beach. 

After a few experiments with me laying on my belly in the sand and playing with my settings, Jim shot this one for me.  That is the moon, not the sun.  Thanks, Jim.

And one last one of the funny pelicans waiting for their free lunch.  The guy was actually cleaning fish right next to where I was sitting to get this shot and there were about 15 pelicans all swimming right in front of him.

Well, I was trying to upload some pictures to blog about.  Then I changed my mind and hit cancel.  Now the bloomin' site won't go to my computer so I can pick the pictures I wanted to upload.  So, instead of pictures of my favorite flowers that I was going to blog about, you get a picture of a funny pelican that I took in Florida a few weeks ago.  He was balancing on the front of the boat and those webbed feet were working overtime to keep him on this thin edge of the boat. 

March 11, 2011

March 11, 2011.  I ran today.  I clocked out a 2 mile route around my neighborhood, and then I ran/walked it twice.  I even took my dog, Rex with me for a mile.  I probably ran 2 miles total.

Yep.  I'm gonna give it another try.  And I'm gonna blog about it.  So, you get to be my witnesses.  I think I'm ready to bump it up a notch.  I am afraid to actually put this in print contemplating signing up for a little triathlon or a half marathon.  In my mind, though, I don't want to just sign up for one.  I want that to become who I am.  I have run a half marathon before believe it or not!  But afterwards I quit running.  I want my exercise to be not just about one event.  I want it to be part of my life.

PART of my life.  I think that is important too.  I heard a quote a week ago from a pastor on the radio (ugh! can't remember which one).  He said, "I am not a BODY with a soul; I am a SOUL with a body."  I don't want my focus to be all about my body.  I don't want my body or even my health to become an idol.  And in our society it is that!!!!!!!  So, this is my BALANCE paragraph.  I want my exercising to fit into my life.  I want it to work with my mothering my family - my husband and boys.  I even want it to work into my friends. 

When it comes to that, I may have to come back and tweak my goals.  I currently have two very good friends that are my WALKING buddies.  We are serious WALKERS.  We walk 6 miles at a time several times a week.  I don't want to lose those commitments - those relationships that have developed through exercise. 

For me, exercise is very relational now that I think about it . . . hmmmm, Dale and I jogged ALOT while dating - around downtown Charleston, over the James Island Bridge, on Folly Beach (where he eventually proposed to me).  I jogged with baby Ben in his little umbrella stroller all around our first neighborhood and even our second neighborhood after we moved to Anderson (will have to blog about one particular jogging trip where his arm cast fell off and I didn't even know it until an hour later and had to go back and pick it up off the sidewalk). 

Our third neighborhood added a second child, a double jogging stroller and a dear friend and her little boy, Carl.  Kristen and Carl would meet us on most mornings for a quick stroll around the neighborhood that went longer and longer until we realized we were walking and pushing heavy strollers for 5 - 6 miles!  That led to a few jogs and then one jog with just one baby in the stroller that equalled 9 miles.  THAT is what led to the half marathon. 

Around this time, Dale and I started working out at a small friendly gym with a guy, Tony, that was one of Dale's patients and had been trying to get him to come "train" for some time.  I trained with his wife, Shelia.  About the same time, I started walking with a neighbor from our current neighborhood, Karen.   We walked most mornings after dropping off our kids at school for an entire school year - two years ago.  And then their school situation changed.  Then Shelia's situation changed and I swapped and started training with Tony too.  Last year was a year of walking with a friend from church, Sarah, as well as working out with Tony.  Somewhere in there I messed up my knew - tore or damaged my meniscus.  It was scary to think I might not be able to exercise - might not be able to run or walk. 

In between all this history, I have little jaunts of jogging 3 - 5 miles, but I haven't done that in a while.  This blog isn't about weight, but just one little input - with all the working out and walking, I haven't seen a change in the weight.  That is more than just a little discouraging.  It's frustrating.  It's maddening.  It doesn't add up.  The weight bothers me enough, though, to give it I can't say one last another attempt. 

Blogging is such a good thing.  I'm thinking this out on paper as well as "talking" it over with my friends and family.  I would really like your input and suggestions.  Dale has been in the same boat with me, but he has stuck with training with Tony two times a week.  I have just recently gone to just exercising with Sarah and Elizabeth and I have a few other options to tap into.  I think I am trying to find something I can do with Dale and in some ways, I don't want to pass him up.  But then again, I feel like he has done the same for me.  He has watched my struggle with weight and exercise and I wonder if he might not be holding back so he doesn't blow right past me.  Health wise we are both in dire straights and exercise doesn't seem to have made much of a difference.

My other options I have considered are racquetball.  I played casual racquetball in college and LOVED it!!  I would need to find someone to play with.  My other idea is tennis.  There is a tennis court next to Dale's office.  It seems to be a relational game and it is outdoors (in the sunshine).

Okay, so there it is.  March 11, 2011.  I started running again.  I'm thinking about trying a triathlon (love swimming, don't hate running, not crazy about road biking - might be riding a yellow beach bike for that part), or signing up for a half marathon.  But I don't want it to become a one time thing.  I want to take it up a notch in a way that fits into my life, into my family, into my ministry.

PS.  I love spellcheck!!

A Blurb from January 2009 and a Favorite book on Depression

This first part is from a note I wrote on facebook in January of 2009:

I have wanted for some time to journal through some of my depressive episodes, but usually I don't have enough energy to do it. And to be honest, I feel so bad, it's never something I want to remember.
Well, I think today is worth remembering.

Yesterday was a very busy, fun-filled day. Kristin and her 3 kids came to visit and my day was filled.
I had an appt. to work out that morning.  I dragged/drug myself out of bed to make it there just a few minutes late, squeezed in a quick trip to the tanning bed (that seems to help with the depression), and got back home with barely enough time to get ready for company.

So back to today. . . it was supposed to snow, but as it so often does here, no snow, and very sad children had to be sent off to school. I caved in to depression and fell back into bed once they were on their way and snuggled into my bed for a while.

I have been reading a book on "how to get things done when you are depressed" so I have all those things on my mind, but it's hard to try new things in the middle of January when it's cold outside, so I got dressed (little Victory) took vitamins and meds (little Victory) then gave in to the pull of the computer. (better than falling back into bed). After checking email, pulled up solitaire - which I told myself last night while reading that little book, that I wasn't going to let myself do anymore. . . oh, well, it could be worse.

And Praise God, He "plays" solitaire too. Or at least He does when I play it - or at least He did today. Dale has a busy, crazy day today and God nudged me to pray. So, I prayed while playing solitaire on my computer today. Better than last year when I prayed curled up on my bed and could only think, "Jesus help me." over and over - but that was a blessing at that time too. God knows I struggle. He knows I am but dust, and He is teaching me that over and over. I prayed and prayed today for other people not just me. And now, with a little smile on my face and peace in my heart, I am writing my first blog/note. So far I'm not going to let anyone read it, but I might after a while. It is a start. I am far from well, but God is teaching me things - really so very much through this illness of depression.

Yeah!!  This winter wasn't that hard - not as hard as the winter of 2009.  I had my days.  On some days I was really tired, and so I took a nap.  I have 2 walking buddies that I meet on 3 to four days a week and walk fast and talk.  Not being a morning person, this has helped me get going and being a girl, I love to talk (if you hadn't noticed, I live with 4 boys - that don't like to chat like their mamma does.)  I also work at my husband's office one day a week now.  I dress nice on that day, and I do something other than taxi kids back and forth.  Lately I have been working on photography before and after shots of his patients - something creative and that I love doing.

Those are some of the things I have worked into my life that help on both good days and bad days.  I want to really put in a plug for the book I mentioned in my above blurb.  Get It Done When You're Depressed  It is one of the best books I have read about depression.  It gave many many practical suggestions from an author that knows and has fought against depression.  But the biggest thing I got from the book was something I am not sure the author did intentionally.  She referred to depression as something separate than the person.  She put the blame on the illness rather than the person.  She talked about depression as if it were an illness and NOT WHO I REALLY AM.  She said things like: 
"Depression doesn't want to do anything and never will. 
Depression judges you harshly. (but in your own voice) 
Depression takes away your ability to make decisions. 
Depression makes you feel like you're carrying a heavy weight.
Depression follows you around and talks to you.
Depression takes away your pleasure and makes you cry.
Depression makes you feel hopeless gloomy, and sad.
Depression makes you doubt everything you do."

Before reading this book I would have said these "same" things but this way:
I don't want to do anything.
I can't . . . I am . . . I feel . . .
I can't make decisions.
I feel like I am carrying a heavy weight.
I feel hopeless, gloomy and sad
I doubt everything I do.

Depression is a very deceitful illness - makes you forget who you are and makes you think you are the problem when Depression is the problem.


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I made it!!

It's March 7.  I made it.  I made it through February.  I made it through November, December, January and February.  I made it to spring.  The forsythia and daffodils are blooming - - blooming yellow.  I made it.  Thanks to all my friends and family that have walked with me through another winter.  You have prayed for me; you have hugged me; you have asked me how I am - knowing that I might not be doing okay.  You have loved me - like Jesus loves me.  He loves me on the good days and the bad days. 

February - I need to blog a little more about February, but for now, I just want to post a blog.

Some of my thoughts on "Fat Acceptance"

A dear friend of mine gave a link to this blog on her facebook status.  I read the blog she linked to and then glanced around on her blog a little bit to get a feel for who she was.  Then I read her thoughts on "fat acceptance," and was amazed at how many things she touched on that I have experienced over the last few years.    Here is the link to that blog.  I highly recommend it.  It will make you think or hopefully it will.
http://www.definatalie.com/2010/06/21/about-fat-acceptance/

Before we get any further, let me just say, I don't consider myself  "fat."  I do weigh more than I'd like to weigh.  I'd love to weigh 30 - even 40 pounds less than I do.  I am tall and had been "tall and skinny" until children came along and I had half of my thyroid removed, blah, blah, blah.  Exercise and health has always been very important to me.  I am a nurse.  I have run a half-marathon.  Most recently for the last two years I have been working out with a trainer 1 - 2 days a week for an hour and walking with a friend 2 - 3 other days 5 - 6 miles. 

But then again, I don't like to be in pictures - especially with my sisters and brother who are all at least 40 pounds and then some less than me.  Currently my picture on my blog is from about 5 years ago.  I don't like that I don't look good in dresses of any style (but especially not empire waists - see below).  I really don't like the looks from the "beautiful ones" that are my age, that have had their children and have succeeded in getting "back into their jeans."  I really don't like that discussions about weight, dieting and exercise are as common and acceptable as discussing the weather.  I don't like to have to be on the defense with every Tom, Dick and Harry - or rather, every Sue, Nicki and Mary.  I don't like that in everyday conversation we can hurt each other by making references to others that have been working out (just as much as you are) and they "look so good."  I don't like that my decisions about healthy eating are open for discussion because it doesn't appear to be working for me.

So, I want to throw in a few quotes from Natalie and then make some comments on them: 

Natalie:  As a fat acceptance advocate, my position is that fat people should not be discriminated against or demonised. One of the main tenets within the movement is that dieting and the culture of encouraging disordered eating is harmful.

Me:  I have been very disheartened by the dieting trends that I have encountered during my struggle to recover my previous skinny-minny self.  As a teen it seemed the dieting trend was baked potatoes and salads.  Then salad dressings were demonized and eventually baked potatoes as well.  In my late teens I went to California for college where I was introduced to guacamole - YUM, which was soon banished to the evil foods along with nuts, peanut butter, and eggs, milk, all milk products . . .  huh?  Now it along with real milk and eggs and all is back on the REALLY Good for you list.

At 28 I had my first baby and as a result of the pregnancy had to have half of my thyroid removed.  And the Atkins diet trend came on the scene.  Yuck.  Yuck.  Yuck.  It didn't seem right at the time and still doesn't.  My husband was thrilled.  A friend of my husband's was all into it, and so my husband encouraged me to jump on the bandwagon as well.  I was not a fan.  I craved fruits and vegetable.  I dreamed about heating up an entire bag of mixed vegetables and scarfing down all of it.  hmmm, not a bad idea, you think, but at the time all those vegetables were vilified.  Corn was (and still is by some) no good.  Carrots - horrors.  Peas, why bother. . . Where was the PROTEIN.  Obviously, protein was the key word - the only key word.  After one week of bacon, eggs, meat, meat and more meat, I gave up.  Something was so wrong about that "diet." 

In summation of my brief thoughts on dieting - skinny people think they have the upper hand on what everyone should eat.  Just because you are skinny, doesn't mean you know what is the most healthy thing to eat or not to eat.  Skinny people don't know everything.  (Not meant to be a dis to my skinny friends that are very wise and smart - I do love you too!!)  Let me restate that - Being skinny doesn't make you smarter or more intelligent on health and dieting.

Natalie:  To begin with, one must understand that human beings have different body shapes, racial backgrounds, medical conditions, and socio-economic circumstances (amongst other things) and fat is not just a result of eating too much or exercising too little. I can’t stress that enough.

Me:  I could go in so many different directions with this little blurb.  Please take time to observe body shapes.  We are not all created equal.  0 is not the perfect size for everyone.  Irony is really that we all buy our clothes at the same stores.  I am 5 foot 8 inches tall.  I tower over most women.  I am five inches taller than my mother.  My height is in my body, not in my legs.  You know the empire waist style that has been "in" for the last several years?  Never works on me - that high waist cuts right across my boobs - lovely - Not where the empire waist is meant to be.  Why don't we celebrate our differences.  Why don't we have more catalogs for different body types instead of catalogs that have all the same skinny, tall, anorexic (with boob jobs) models?

Natalie:  The reason why I am so vocal about the issue of body acceptance is because too often fat bodies are pathologised, that is – they are viewed as abnormal and diseased, even when they are not. This is especially concerning when doctors, and indeed the wider health industry, do not treat fat patients’ symptoms seriously or even worse – dismiss the patient’s concerns and deny treatment until the patient loses weight. Even if the patient’s symptoms are not related to weight. This is wrong and unethical and does nothing to aid the patient’s health, in fact it works against good health! So many fat people refuse to seek medical treatment because they can not find a doctor who treats their complaints seriously.

Me:  This one I could go on about much longer than you'd like to listen.  Unfortunately, my weight has been a part of my illness.  However, I have learned that when I brought that up as my concern to my doctors, they wouldn't listen to me.  At first I just took it.  My health issues were depression, high blood pressure and high cholesterol (fyi, all symptoms of low thyroid . . . recall I had half of my thyroid removed at 28).  I was sent away by a short fat doctor who told me I needed to lose weight.  (At the time I was probably 20 pounds over what I wanted to be.)  I cried for the rest of the day over the humiliation.  Then I dried my eyes and started trying again. 

To shorten a very long story, I have not lost weight though I exercise more and more.  I have a friend that when she decides she wants to lose weight, she cuts out sugar drinks and drops 15 pounds.  A year ago, I had a blood sugar scare and as a result eliminated all sugar drinks.  The scale still sings the same old song:  No change - if anything a few pounds more.  I poured my frustrations out to my trainer one day telling him how since I had begun lifting weights and doing intervals with him 2 years before that I just wish I could see even a little difference.  His response (gotta love him - he didn't mean it the way it first sounded):  "I have another client that has been working out with me for 4 months. (I had been working with him for 2 years with no change)  She is about the same size as you and works out 2 days a week, just like you do, and she has lost 40 pounds."  He almost got punched, but then I realized . . . what he said was his way of agreeing with me.  What felt like another punch in the gut at first was actually his way of saying that something wasn't right about this picture because it so flew in the face of all he teaches and believes.  "That if you eat right and exercise, you will be healthy and you will lose weight."

Natalie:  Moreover I am very passionate about removing the stigma of fat. This stigma hurts fat people (I would say it hurts thin people too!) and poses a far greater health risk than body weight. It is assumed automatically that thin = healthy, and I bet when you actually think about that assumption… it starts to unravel. Do you know thin people who don’t exercise and eat poorly? I do. But those people are not told by their doctors that they need to lose weight, because they might not have any visible markers of fatness (read: poor health). And that’s how fat is pathologised and that’s why this kind of assumption works against everyone, because even thin people aren’t getting the health care they need when their health workers are relying on fat as a measure of health. The truth is, healthful and not-so-healthful behaviours are performed by EVERY sort of body. Our health care workers shouldn’t be so lazy as to assume the not-so-healthful behaviours are the domain of fatties only.

Oh, the stigma of "fat people."  Thank God (I do mean that literally - though in actuality, I wish neither of us did) my husband also struggles with weight.  (I have friends in very similar situations as myself - exercise, exercise to no avail - yet their husbands are the same size they were the day they were married.  Ugh!)  Because my husband is a man (obviously) people tend to be free-er with their words to him, and we are both shocked at what they say.  One man, a retired friend of my husband's father, greeted him on a vacation with something not so funny about when was the baby due!!!???  My husband, a dentist, wanted to counter with something about this man's horrible teeth!  Patients perpetually make comments about his weight and as a professional, he has to grin and act like it doesn't bother him.  Why is this okay?

My situation has been extremely disturbing to me because I feel like I have been discounted and ignored (by doctors especially) because I am overweight.  And yet, being overweight is my concern.  But because being overweight is my concern, I seem to be pushed aside (by doctors) even more as one who is there for a quick fix, though I tell them I am doing the work they want me to do.  Then it seems to me, they (doctors or anyone other health professional or especially "healthy" people for whom "it" has worked) assume I am lying and ignore me some more.  Unbelievable, but true. 

This year (or the end of last 2010) my Endocrinologist has finally agreed that my concerns are founded.  She is now convinced that I have been dealing with low thyroid issues for the last 13 years.  Thirteen years of high blood pressure.  Thirteen years of extremely high cholesterol.  Never mind the thirteen years of extreme struggle with depression!   I don't want to be skinny minny again.  I just want to be healthy. 

I will not leave this blog in panic mode, because even in this, I know that God is sovereign.  He made me.  This does not surprise Him.  He is All-knowing and All-powerful.  My days are in His hands.  He knows not only the number of hairs on my head but also the days that are ordained for me.  I cannot leave this earth before He is ready for me to leave it.  Isn't that comforting?  How wonderful that I can trust Him with my health.  Hmmm, here's a thought, what do you think the "perfect" size will be in heaven?  Do you think we will all be this "perfect" size or will there be different sizes of "perfect."




My reason for writing this blog is to help others.  When I was in college, I felt like God was calling me to the mission field.  My college degrees were chosen with that vision in mind.  I was first an English major and was headed to get a Master's in teaching English as a Second Language.  God stepped in and diverted me into Nursing.  I got my BSN in Nursing in 1994 and still thought I was headed to the mission field.  I married my best friend, a dental student, who felt he had more of a calling to short term missions. 

As life continued and God continued to lead, I found out that His plan for me was much more intricate than I had ever dreamed.  He walked me through depression (and still does), and I have found that my mission field is not to a people in a different country or with a different language, but with an illness.  My mission field is to those that struggle (as I do) with Depression.  It is with great delight that I share my life and struggles.  (I do think it is very important that you don't just hear about my struggles but also my joys, my living - there is much hope in that, so even my "ramblings" about my kids and life are with intention.)

If my words help you with your own struggle or help you understand a friend or relative with this struggle, it would do my heart good to get even a short comment from you on my blog or at my facebook link.